If I didn’t have to work.

21 02 2013

I’m inspired today by a friend who is taking advantage of a snow day, by giving herself a challenge of completing 10 tasks that she needs to accomplish. This way, even if she’s not working, she’s being productive.

While this might sound boring to some, I am so jealous I could spit.


Why, you ask?


The last 3 weeks of my life have been about work, and very little outside of it. While I usually have a few hours in the morning to myself (even though those hours are stuffed with the gym, getting ready for work, preparing my meals for the day, and travelling to work), lately I’ve been providing extra coverage at my job, and have lost those hours.

So, I got to thinking, if I had my normal schedule, what would I want to get done, so I could consider my time well spent?

  • Gym. I seriously NEED TO WORK OUT. I’m on a weight loss journey right now, and I’m resenting the time I’m missing truly devoting myself to making that happen.
  • Reading. I was in the middle of reading “May Cause Miracles” by my guru Gabrielle Bernstein when this crazy schedule started, and I’ve completely lost the drive to finish it (and have misplaced the book to boot).
  • Self-development. Aforementioned book contains a 40-day plan for spiritual self-improvement, and I know that when I make time for these things, my entire life feels better.
  • Regular showers. Don’t judge me.
  • Keeping my room organized. Kinda.
  • Cooking my meals ahead of time.

This is just everyday living kind of stuff, things that I normally have a chance to do. But what about beyond that? What do I wish I could get done, in addition to the everyday stuff?

  • Research ideas and pursue leads for an at-home business. I feel this will be imperative as I get older.
  • AUDITION. ‘Nuff said.
  • Go to acting workshops and classes.
  • Get more involved at my church.

I feel like these things are nagging at me, and if I don’t accomplish them, I will regret it. I already do. I can come up with a ready list of excuses as to why they’re impossible (in fact, I just wrote a couple of paragraphs detailing them, before deleting them), but it’s BULLSHIT. They are not impossible. That’s not what that word means. They are inconvenient at this point in my life. How lame is it to let opportunity pass me by because it’s not convenient for me? Being stagnant isn’t convenient either.


So I guess my goal for 2013 (only 8 weeks late) is to live like I had the time. Yup.


Don’t hate me because I’m sullen.

20 02 2013

I find that a sugar-free red bull in the morning helps me stay peppy. I can survive without it, actually. I’m a rare breed, a MORNING PERSON. But while I’m covering the reception desk while the usual girl is on jury duty (FOREVER), a red bull makes it easier to smile. There’s no infinitesimal weight dragging down the corners of my mouth. It gives me a minute jolt, barely noticeable to my caffeine-tolerant body.

You know, I read that caffeine doesn’t “wake you up” per se, but actually makes you “less calm.” That little spike in cortisol or whatever is exactly what I need to remind myself that I need to be pleasant. Otherwise, I’d forget.

I would be so happy if I wasn’t societally obligated to interact with people, at least the ones I wouldn’t choose to on my own. I think that women especially are under an expectation to smile, nod, and exchange pleasantries with everyone (which is why a lot of women ignore their gut instincts re: danger, and let themselves walk right into violent crime). I’m introverted, and sometimes the thought of having to go out of my way to interact with someone JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE THERE gives me the heebies. This is why I will sometimes pretend I haven’t seen someone (such as, a friend of a friend whom I’ve met once walks into the same subway car in which I’m riding), just so I don’t have to force conversation.

But anyway.

Why should YOU care?

The point is I’ve been told that I look like I don’t want to be up here (HOW ASTUTE!), and that I need to work on that. I’ve been hearing this since I was 11 years old… but why should I have to pretend to be anything other than who and what I am? Why can’t society tolerate introverts, respect them and their boundaries, and learn how we might all positively interact with each other (or not)? Why do we need to psyche ourselves up and force ourselves to be uncomfortable, simply so others don’t intuit that we are, in fact, UNCOMFORTABLE?

This is why receptionists should be extroverts, and I should be behind the scenes.

Someone please inform these litigants of this fact, so that they settle their friggin lawsuit, and my real life may resume.


15 02 2013

I consider myself a writer, amongst other things. I know I have skill as a writer. I enjoy writing. I just don’t know what KIND of writer I am. My boyfriend is a screenwriter, and sometimes I wonder if he bristles at the thought of me calling myself a writer (He’s the nicest person ever, so I’m pretty sure he doesn’t, but who knows?), the way that HE is a writer. I know I have something within me to write. Just don’t know what it is.

TV show?

One woman play?




I’m gonna try to figure it out. I think the only way to do that is to start writing, and see what comes out of it. So here’s THAT.

New York City winters are impotent, and resentful. The season tries so hard to be as harsh as it is in other parts of the country, but the buildings and the lake effect take all the ire out of the storm. As a result, the city just ends up wet, cold, and grumpy. As opposed to the summer, when it’s sweaty and grumpy. The weather in New York City is tolerable for about 17 cumulative days each year. And on those days, oh man, life is bliss.

A sweet breeze blows across the back of your neck as you savor the feeling of the grass beneath your toes and in between your fingers, lounging on the Sheep Meadow while reading your favorite book (that you’ve already read about 7 times before), in the shadow of a large tree, as sounds of a frisbee game mix with hip hop music and children’s laughter, which somehow makes the strawberry lemonade (spiked, natch) you smuggled in your water bottle taste more tart, as your lover traces patterns on the back of your leg with his fingertips. Those are the days I live for.

Intermittant reinforcement is the most effective (as older sisters will tell you), and that is what makes New York City so devastating. Like the ex-boyfriend you never quite get over, this city tells you you’re the only one, and tomorrow refuses to return your phone calls. It shows you the most sublime almost-spring afternoon, ripe with promise, and then rains all over it. Well, not rains, per se, MISTS would be more appropriate. Not enough to provide an opporunity for the quintessential soaking-wet run-for-cover teenage soap operas seem to think happen every other day, but just enough to ruin your hair-do. In the winter, it’s not an idyllic white wonderland of snow, it’s not Christmas at Radio City, Rockettes and fur lined mufflers. It’s leftover black gunk on the side of the street, salt stains on the cuffs of your pants, and deceptive sidewalk corners that appear solid, but in reality are grey puddles of slush, waiting patiently for a trusting fool.

And part of you thinks about leaving. “I’m sick of these winters. I can’t deal with it anymore. I want to move back home, at least there it’s pretty this time of year.” But then another one of those days magically crosses your path, and instantly, you’re a slave to this douchbag of a city all over again. You know better, but you really don’t.


7 05 2012

When does one officially become an adult? I mean, I know that technically, according to the US government, I’ve been an adult since I was 18. But obviously… I wasn’t. So at what point, when you tell someone your age, do they, without a doubt, consider you a GROWN UP?

It’s an interesting conundrum. Not only do I have conventional wisdom to consider, but also I’m the baby of the family (not only my immediate family, but extended as well, at least amongst the cousins). So I automatically have this “youngest” identity to contend with. I’m sure this will be something I’m most grateful for in years to come, but in the meantime it presents something of a challenge. I’m about to enter a time in my life (if I’m not already there) when I start to make the decisions that (at least I believe), define adulthood. I’m in a committed relationship, we’re going to move in together, we know that we will get married and have kids, I just started a job that I can see myself growing with. These things seem to me to be the kind of things that grown ups do.

So why do I feel like everyone’s laughing at me while I play dress up?

At what point would it be appropriate for me to make any of these decisions, in the eyes of society? I mean, a TON of kids I went to high school with are married with children, and have been for years. I look at them, and I’m baffled by how they could make those choices SO YOUNG. Did their families and friends throw rice one moment, and whisper to each other their doubts the next? Or was it just automatically accepted?

I’m sure this is some projection of my own insecurities, but it just feels like if I were to tell everyone tomorrow that I was engaged and starting a family, people would laugh. I’m sure my parents would rather I wait until I was in my 30s (and as far as kids go, that’s still the plan), but what if I’ve met the guy now? What difference is 4 years going to make? We’re sure of each other, and while I know there’s still much to learn about marriage, relationships, and my future husband, one thing I know for sure is that I can handle it. I know it in my bones.

Does that mean anything?

I guess I’m not really gonna find out until the phone call gets made (which, honestly, won’t be for a while, so don’t start freaking out yet). But, on the other hand, who cares? It’s my life, I know what’s up, so opinions be damned. 

Damn, I was hoping that would work.

I’m looking for a miracle

3 05 2012

I’m trying to figure out a side business, something I can do to make some money during my off hours. I’m working part time, and as much as my job rocks (and it does), at this current point it doesn’t give me excess funds.

Something I can market online, since there’s so many good courses that I’m exposed to for growing a succussful online business. I just see myself with crazy money, living the good life with my man, buying every damn thing I want (I’m such an American). I’ve just had a feeling for the last 6 months or so that I’m on the verge of figuring this out, and becoming an entrepreneur.

So what the hell should I sell? I try to think about what I’m an expert at, what someone would say “I wish I had BLANK like you.” The only thing I can immediately think of is my singing (ie a voice teacher), but how do I sell that online? And beyond that, there’s a lot of music theory I don’t know, and I can’t play piano, so… yeah.

Some ideas that ran through my head:

  • makeup tutorial videos (again, not so great for selling)
  • personal cosmetics shopping and coaching (kinda specific, but that’s not bad)
  • life coaching (haha) (plus there’s training…)
  • image consulting (please don’t judge me by what I wear)
  • public speaking (maybe coaching others? could put my acting training to use)
  • Audition coaching (but why would someone pay for MY opinion?)

Do you have any ideas? What would you pay me to teach you? Exorbitant amounts of money, preferably? 🙂

Rich baby, what what?-


Update- The year of rocking

1 05 2012

So here I am. I know you were so concerned.


My apartment in Astoria is great, so that’s good. Boyfriend is out of this world, and we may end up moving in with each other before too long (he can’t get enough of me and my awesomeness).

Not walking dogs anymore, in fact I have a banging new job which amazes me everyday with how COOL it is. It’s such a privilege to work at a company that cares for its employees, and gives back! I completely see myself working here for YEARS, and hopefully getting to learn more and more amazing things.


Also, life is rocking because I have become more involved with my church, Unity of New York. To be brief, the Unity movement is a metaphysical take on Christianity. It has allowed me to combine my passion for metaphysical study and the Law of Attraction with an earnest love of god, which I never knew I had. Of course, to me, god is not what a lot of people consider god to be. But that’s how I’m able to finally find a place where I can fit spirituality into my life… ANYWAY. I’m in the choir, Voices in Unity, and we recently had a big ass concert (which only happens every few years). We had so much extra rehearsal! Add into this that I was searching for employment earlier this year, so I had more free time to devote to study, and I was LIVING at Unity. And so many wonderful things have come out of me lately, and I know that it has something to do with the spiritual fulfillment I get there, and the new things I’m learning. Who knew that I would become such a fruitcake?!?


All in all, I just see so many cuckoo-bananas opportunities hanging there just beyond the horizon, and all I have to do is trust that they will come. At this moment I am setting myself up for SO MUCH GOOD. It’s amazing to be me… note to self, please remember all this at some point in the future. 🙂





That’s a great idea Betsy!

24 01 2012

Hello all-

Well, update time: I’m moving out of my crappy apartment in Astoria, to another apartment in Astoria. It’s gonna rock, because this time I can have visitors over, and I don’t have to live with a nasty hoarder! Loving life.

I have been dating a guy for about 5 months… and he is the bee’s knees. Seriously.

I’m going to be taking bookkeeping courses in February, so I can make the good money!

2012 is the year of getting my shit together. No more floundering. It’s going to be so fantastic, I can’t wait.


So I’m kicking ass, learning things, and loving everything about my boyfriend. I’m great, and so is the world.

This was a short post, but it’s all I need for now.